Rating of
1.5/4
"See, ma'am, I'm a teacher."
Arbogast1960 - wrote on 06/16/08
So, you've decided to make a "fun B movie," perhaps harking back to 1950s-style melodramas like Invasion of the Body Snatchers or 1970s-style enviro-creepfests like Soylent Green. You are struck with the idea of nature turning on mankind after too many years of abuse. So far, so good. But how to go about bringing your vision to life? Well, if your name is M. Night Shyamalan, you act as follows:
(1) Write your own screenplay. This is most important because, as you so graciously informed mankind in Lady in the Water, your pen bleeds words that will one day change the world. Through their woodenness, their leaden otherworldliness, they occupy an uncharted space outside both intentional, good-natured camp and real world dialogue. It is crucial to your film's viability that you not let a talented, or even competent, scribe fashion suitable, non-cringe-inducing sentences for your actors. This would dilute your vision.
(2) Use a recently developed device known as FORESHADOWING. But make sure that the audience is not left with any doubts. Tell them quickly, within, oh, 25 minutes, the source of the problem. And lest they forget, have a cast member reiterate this point--preferably in an ill-timed cutaway to a close-up where he or she might say something so wildly out of place that no sentient being could possibly fail to comprehend its import. Reaction shots of nature will also forcefully drive your point home.
(3) As you are creating a horror/sci-fi movie, you will also need to develop some tension and thrills. These should be front-loaded in the film's first 10 minutes--well-crafted, involving early scenes will sustain the audience for the epic's remaining 80 minutes while nothing happens. Should you find things beginning to lag, have your cast run from the wind. Nothing spells "F-E-A-R" like menacing shots of fields of rippling grass.
(4) Cast Mark Wahlberg.
(5) Give Mr. Wahlberg exactly two (2) things to do. First, have him maintain, for the film's entirety, a perplexed look on his face, hovering between confusion and constipation. Second, have him speak his lines in a slightly-higher-than-normal voice, enunciated as though he is sounding them out phonetically. The impact of this will be enhanced by having crafted lines for him that no human being ever has, or ever will, speak with anything approaching a straight face.
(6) To ensure that the full force of Mr. Wahlberg's performance and your lovingly sculpted words will bury the audience like so many weakly thrown shotputs, give the rest of your cast nothing to do. Absolutely nothing. Should you feel that these side players appear too flat, give them a recognizable attachment to real life, such as a daughter, or a marital tiff, or a garden--this is called "characterization," raising your cast from half-dimensional to one-dimensional, and will forge a bond with the audience.
(7) Now that you have your elements in place, you are ready to hose down the audience with your MESSAGE. This MESSAGE should be trite and simplistic. It should also be something on which there is widespread agreement. Once you have finished blowing your MESSAGE's wad (this should take about 90 minutes), you have completed your film. Congratulations!
