Rating of
1/4
Miss!
MikePA - wrote on 05/30/12
Battleship is the latest Hasbro-associated film (others include the Transformers movies and G.I. Joe), starring Taylor Kitsch (John Carter), Liam Neeson (everything awesome), and Rihanna (!?). It's written by Jon and Erich Hoeber and directed by Peter Berg (director of Hancock). Battleship is, of course, based on the very fun game. The difference is that the film has aliens that come to earth, create a shield surrounding Hawaii and a chunk of the ocean, locking themselves and five other battleships inside. Noone can come in or get out. The aliens are here because... well, I don't know. It's never really explained. And the humans and aliens battle each other and there's lots of loud explosions and crashing metal that the filmmakers think is fun. The board game is much more fun.
What can I honestly say? It's everything you'd expect. The film has good special effects, but of course all of the important elements like script and characterizations stink. They try to put some depth in these characters, but I didn't really feel for them or root for them, so that's a failure. Even the action isn't that good. It's noisy and mindless, but you basically know that going in. The problem is that it's too much. In one shot there is too much CGI and special effects just crammed into the frame, resulting in an incomprehensible mess that lacks any amount of tension. And it doesn't help when it's quickly cut and shakes as if the cinematographer is on cocaine. It's like being eye-raped.
When the film opens I had a good feeling that this was actually going to be pretty good. There's some clever humor (the best gag involving a chicken burrito), and you kind of like this main character. I had high hopes, but after the first half-hour I didn't seem to care anymore. Most of the humor consisted of annoying one-liners, the action is loud and poorly filmed, and the characters seem meaningless. It tries to be fun and tries to offer some summer escapism, but all it really is is a loud and stupid piece of crap. It has the IQ of a walnut. Seriously people, if you want to make a summer blockbuster, just try. Just freakin' try!
The last thing I want to talk about are the aliens. They look so stupid. They resemble the infected humans in I Am Legend a little bit, except these monsters are uglier and funnier in their appearance.
There's nothing fun about Battleship. The first couple minutes are a charm, but after that it gets ridiculous. Stupid, boring, noisy, cliched, and poorly written, Battleship is an empty film that's as forgettable as a great night in Vegas when you're hungover.
1/4 (Skip It)
