Rating of
0.5/4
Watchman: 9 Years of my life I will never get back
GoodFella82 - wrote on 03/14/09
Anthony’s Journal March 9th: [Insert cheesy Christian Bale Batman voice]: This movie was Horrendous. Let me start off by saying that the only thing I love more than a good superhero movie is a superhero movie where the main characters are flawed, there is a dark, gritty, real theme to the movie, combined with a stimulating plot and original back story which causes the viewer to empathize with the hero [or the villain] on a human level. This is NOT that movie. In the spirit of this convoluted mess of a movie. I will begin with a 7 hour introduction.
The hardest challenge for a director who is adapting a novel or series to the big screen is translating what made that particular novel successful into an equally compelling and entertaining film. The director failed miserably in this regard. There are 2 different types of Novel. Ones with large followings that are so widely know to the public that the director can stick to the novel, and please all. [Ie. Batman, Superman]. Or there are novels with a moderate following. Here the director must tweak the script in order to attract the casual viewer. [Ie. The Punisher, Steven King movies]. A great director alters it just enough that the die hard fans aren’t offended, yet someone unfamiliar to the series is still entertained. Well, The Watchman had about 16 fans. And the director made this 100 million dollar movie just for them. That does not work.
In a way, he is a genius. He somehow made it possible that even though the movie was drawn out and long, he never built a solid enough connection with the main characters. He gave 2 lines of background info per character; and just when you were going to attempt to get into the character, he moved on to a different one. By the time I got to Silk Spectre I wanted someone to throw a hot bucket of French fry oil in my face. A perfect illustration of this was the description of the eventual “villain”: You can’t say “he is the smartest man in the world, and he came forward with his identity, now he is a billionaire. NO. it doesn’t work like that. I have no interest.
The one character they sort of built up was comedian. Now, please spare me the person who says “oh he was a tragic hero”. “A flawed hero.” NAH. The guy shot the woman carrying his baby. His encore was to attempt to Rape a fellow “superhero” That’s not flawed. That makes him the villain. The Punisher is a flawed character. In that comic series ANY crime committed was potentially a death sentence from him. He is constantly having sex with prostitutes. He shoots criminals that “obstruct his pursuit of justice”. He isn’t a stand up guy. But his purpose is to serve justice and rid the earth of people like……COMDEDIAN. The only joke is to say that he was a hero.
And while we are on the topic of heroes. WHY are they heroes???. I mean I get the idea that a regular person could be a hero. But there is always a back story of their training. Not in this flick. Here apparently all you have to do is know how to fight well, and wear a mask. There was NO explanation as to why they were qualified to be a hero, other than they can throw their fists. It’s like it was a union. So who was their union rep? Dumb. The combination of the poor directing and unqualified “heroes” was apparent in what could have been the corniest fight scene ever. The 2 of them walk down an alley, where magically 100 gang members converge on them from all angles. All that was missing was them snapping their fingers. Then in typical fashion, they got attacked by one thug at a time. While I was watching it, I was looking for a poison pill to swallow.
Now; on to another ridiculous character. The long lost member of the blueman group. This is the one character that actually left an impression on me. A literal one, this is so because his junk was flopping around in every seen. NO need. So let me get this straight. Dr. Manhattan can be on Mars and on 5th avenue at the same time, have sex while he is conducting experiments, and inexplicably grow as large as king kong, yet he couldn’t find time to go to target and get a pair of underwear. And its not like he couldn’t wear clothes. He wore a suit a bunch of times. SO WHY CANT HE WEAR UNDERWEAR WHEN HES WORKING!
If there is one thing that nobody could mess up, it should be a sex scene. I am ALL for gratuitous sex scene in a movie [especially when the movie otherwise sucks]. But yet again, as only the Watchman can do, they messed that up as well. For starters it was in a weird ship. Second, I guarantee that the 16 loyal readers of the Watchmen have seen that particular actress naked more times then they have seen real life naked woman. She is the Hollywood version of the girl you always know is willing to sleep with you. “Hey we need a naked chick, and no actress wants to be in this crappy movie” “I know just who to call…..” So again, there was nothing new or remotely exciting about that scene. To top it off, they did the corny fire/orgasm thing. I only wish the fire would have burned me alive to spare me the next 4 hours of the movie.
This movie is so dumb. It is NOT a political fantasy. You can’t use real life specific scenarios such as Vietnam, Nixon, the Russian presence in Afghanistan, and then not explain how Nixon got a third term. Just more inconsistent nonsense.
What else: Papa Smurf ends the world b/c he got dumped, midgets sneaking chainsaws into prison, awkward moment on the couch, how about an explanation as how Rorschach got a digital picture frame converted into a mask. While I’m on the topic: WHY THE *#%# did Rorschach need that mask! I could go on for hours, but unfortunately I missed my sisters birth day, thanksgiving, and Christmas all while I was Watching the Watchmen. So I have a lot of catching up to do. One phrase that was in the movie that will ring true once the word gets out about this movie: Who’s Watching the Watchmen??????????
