theCriticalMarisa's Movie Review of Chernobyl Diaries

Dear Diary..
theCriticalMarisa - wrote on 02/08/13

I mistakenly thought this was an “FFF” (Found Footage Film) and I have to say, it probably would have been far more interesting if it had been. Which isn't saying much.

A young couple (Chris and Natalie) and their third wheel friend (Amanda) travel abroad for a European vacation. While stopping over in Kiev, they meet up with Chris's screw-up of a brother, Paul, who convinces them that, NO, they don't want to go to Moscow tomorrow as they'd planned! They'd totally rather go on an “extreme tour” of the abandoned town of Pripyat, a stone's throw from the Chernobyl Nuclear Plant. What could be more exciting than the threat of a little radiation poisoning?! Ooh-rah!

So they hook up with an extreme tour guide named Yuri. Another couple, Zoe and Michael, from Norway and Australia, respectively, also join in on the fun because, you know, why settle for sending four twenty-somethings into peril when you can send six?

They all board Yuri's sketchy van and he sneaks them into town. Oooh. Ominous.

And that's about where any cohesion ends. The stay in Pripyat is supposed to be scary, I think. It gets dark (ooh!), they're stuck in the van (ahh!) and crazy German Shepherds are after them! ..Huh?

This movie was completely nonsensical and anti-climactic. First there are random animals seemingly stalking everybody. Some get hurt, some get abducted. And guess what? Since there's absolutely NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, you do not care that someone has their leg nearly bitten off and someone else gets eaten. Then there are people (or are they people?! Suspense! Not.) appearing out of nowhere. But wait, isn't Pripyat abandoned?! Yawn.. And the last scene? Ha! Been there, seen that. About a hundred times now.

This movie tries desperately to create tension and scares by making scenes so dark that you can't actually see anything and then flinging the camera around, just in case you could actually see anything.
Turning off the lights and playing Hot Potato with the camera does not a horror movie make.

It's a shame because for this genre of movie, the acting wasn't all that bad. If there had only been a story..

There's more plot, horror and conflict in my actual diary than there is in this disaster.